Yeah, I saw Jesus once. That was all it took. I heard him once, and I never wanted to hear him again. He would have been pathetic, except he fooled so many people. It irritated me. Someone should have just killed him then and saved the whole country a lot of trouble. In fact, as I remember they tried to, but he disappeared.
First of all, he comes into town with his little entourage. Now, I’m no great religious guru, but even I could have found a better following than this guy. Seriously, most of his chosen twelve were fishermen. Oh yeah, that inspires a lot of confidence. We all know how much intelligence it takes to toss a net. Then, I found out later from a friend of mine that another guy’s a former tax collector. Now, I know tax collectors, I have to deal with them all the time. If a tax collector says he’s become religious I know there’s fraud somewhere along the line. Tax collectors only know how to follow the money. They don’t have a sincere religious bone in their bodies. So this Jesus character has some fishermen, a tax collector, some nutty political zealot, a few others, and a guy who in the end sells him out for thirty pieces of silver. You think about that for a second. If this Jesus really was a half-decent prophet don’t you think he could have figured out what this fellow was gonna do?
Anyway, Jesus and his disciples stroll into Nazereth like their expecting some type of party in their honor. He goes into the synagogue and starts preaching this and that. At first some people were like, ‘Woah, where did this guy learn all this stuff?’ Now, I’m telling you I wasn’t one of the ones fooled - because I am smarter than that - but a lot of people were. It was freaky some of the things these people almost fell for.
But then, luckily, they start remembering. This guy, Jesus, was from Nazereth. He had lived there almost his whole life. He grew up practically down the street from the synagogue. He was nothing special. His sisters married guys in the area and were still around there. Mary, his own mother, everyone knew her. She was a nice enough lady. In fact, I almost felt bad for her that her son would be doing something so embarrassing to her.
Notice I said, “I almost felt bad for her.” Not many people may know this, but Mary wasn’t all sweet and innocent like she came off to be. I mean, that’s what I heard anyway. I moved into town not long after her husband died. A rumor was floating around that Mary got pregnant before she even was married. Joseph wasn’t the guy either, if you know what I mean? Mary gets pregnant with Jesus, and Joseph married her just to try to keep her looking respectable. He’s a nicer guy than I would be. If my girlfriend got pregnant from some other guy, I’d drop her so fast . . .
So yeah, all this is going through my head while I’m hearing this guy talking about the Old Testament like he’s our long awaited Messiah. Well, he may have worked up some crowds later on, but he didn’t fool me none. Sure, sure, he healed some sick people, but to be honest the people were all faking anyway. I bet as soon as he healed them they ran off to the next town to fake like their lame again and fool those people too. What a pathetic racket!
Well, the good news is that the guy is dead now. Yeah, I know his stupid little fisherman followers are saying he rose from the dead; but really, what else would you expect them to say? We were right. They were wrong. And now they are just acting delusional. I heard one of them the other day, as I was doing business in Jerusalem. The guy said that if I wasn’t a believer in Jesus when I died God would send me to everlasting punishment.
Yeah, seriously. That’s what he said.
You want to know what I think. I think that when I die and stand before God we’re going to find out real fast who was right, Jesus or me. And you can bet God is not going to make me spend eternity where Jesus is.
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